The Forlorn Tear

I find beautiful every moment spent in thoughts of you. You are farthest away, and yet the nearest to my heart. The melancholy thoughts give me a pleasure of their own, though the heart sinks in pain as a rock sinks in quick sand. I sit so lost as if I’m posing for a sculptor. I think. Why? How? I admit the thoughts of you torment, but intoxicate me. A part of me tells me to let go. A mad, shrill voice. Another part begs not to. I find this voice soft and melodious. Why do I want to listen to it? I sigh. I know I’m broken into a thousand pieces. Nobody knows. Comforting to know. Though comfort isn’t what I seek anymore. I’m abandoned by peace, blithe and tears. Except for the forlorn tear, which I just wiped from the corner of my eye with the tip of my finger. I know what to do with it. Treat it like a pearl and hold it safe. But the wind will quickly seize it from me. I’m not destined to own anything about you except the thoughts. Not even the forlorn tear shed in your memory.     

(Anonymous Writer)

Chaar Saw Bees

The other day, I was talking to Rabia and she stopped suddenly in mid sentence. I asked her reason of surprise and she told me, ‘its 11:11″ she further elaborated that for many days whenever she looked at the time, she get to see 11:11. She did some research and it turned out that there is a scientific explanation for it which she did explain but by then I tuned her out…

That night, I looked at the clock and saw it was 10:01. It made me think of Rabia’s theory but didn’t give much importance to it. Next day in office, I glanced at my table clock and it was 10:01. It kept happening every night (infact, still is happening) and one night, I was talking to Hina and I looked up and saw it was 10:01. I forgot what I was saying and started to explain to Hina about this weird happening and she instead of declaring me weird, told me that I was lucky. Confused, I did asked her what was so lucky about this spooky stuff and she told me;

“Well, at least all you see is 10:01…so many times it happened that when I look at the time its always 4:20″

I didn’t understand it at first but then it dawned at me

Free For All..

We’re so good in giving advices..isn’t it?

The most common thing about people in our surrounding is that we give unlimited free advices and then we expect others to implement on our true gems of words…if they don’t then they’re a BIG fool!!

It doesn’t matter that we don’t know how to govern our lives but we know exactly how others should live their lives and what they should do…

We hate it so much when others tell us what to do and how to do..makes us feel like shouting; ‘who the hell are you to interfere in my life?’ and yet when we see others in a fix then we’re the first one to offer advices..as for support (silent support aas well) and respect for privacy is concerned then we scurry away in hurry…

Da’aman

Ya Ra’b na na samjay wo is haqiqat ko kabhi bhi

Yu’un da’aman thama ker hum nai daman churdha lya

Aatish

Slave of My Moods?

“Baji, you talk when you’re in a mood. You don’t when you’re not in a mood. Have you ever realized that how much it hurt me when you snap at me and than expect me to understand that you don’y feel like talking”, my kid sister tearfully exclaimed before leaving my room. I was angry at her for replying back to my ‘get out of my room’ but some rational part of my brain whispered that maybe I was too harsh. I sighed and put my laptop on hibernation and went out to find her. Two minutes ago she was singing a new tune and came into my room to receive some applauds but since I didn’t feel like cheering up so I snapped her out of my room and now she was in living room wiping away angry tears. The best thing about young teenagers is that they forget things easily so just a hug and ‘I’m sorry’ was enough to put her back in good mood.

With a satisfied conscious, I came back into my room and opened my laptop to resume my work but instead of that my mind asked me; ‘Am I the slave of my moods?” and though I don’t like the answer but yes I’m a moody person and never been one of those ‘happy go lucky’ ones. I never felt like changing this factor but now I’m realizing that if I don’t feel like smiling than it doesn’t mean that I should expect whole world to quit singing and be as gloomy as I am. Its down right selfish. My moods really effect me but its unfair to let it effect my friends, my loved ones and enviroment around me.

Its pretty easy to write this down and nod to myself ‘oh yeah, this making sense to me’ but I fear that its quite another thing to implement on it. Someone once told me that ‘a man is truly refined when he is able to smile in times of tragedy’. It takes strength of character to stand straight with dignity. I remember complaining that this mechanism is not built-in in me. I was told that you don’t need to be born with it, it can be created in you.

I’m afraid that controlling my moods will going to take lots of efforts since I had given them free reins for a long time but its high time to focus on this part before I let my moods effect my whole life.

Didn’t Dig Deep Enough…

Five years ago, I grinned cheekily at my friend while declaring; ‘aww..shucks! its over’ seldom realizing that things that I was taking so lightly could grow so big. Life had some lessons for me in store.

Years after that, one day I closed my eyes and it came back rushing to me and this time it didn’t seem like a joke. I convinced myself of the stupidity and moved onward with my life yet it caught it with me. Life had to teach me to be more conscious of other people and to make me realize that there are so many things I take for granted. Lesson well learned.

Months after that, I finally sighed with relief that its over. And than everything around me started to fall apart and my illusion of this mature girl turn out to be just a shamble. First time I came face to face with real me and I didn’t like what I saw. Turned out that universe really don’t resolve around me, what a shocker!

After losing my hope, my ego, my worth I finally said to myself with all my misery that it was finally over. It turned out to be just a self defense stage, my demons were just rising and they wanted more. Just when whining and crying was no more enough, I finally learned to accept it. Acceptance is the cruelest stage, I believe.

Last year, as one beautiful evening I was smiling bitterly to myself and vowing to never ever raise repeat the same mistake when life played another cruel joke on me and I did exactly what I promised not to do. This made me realize that there are few things that are never in my hands and fate do exist. So do God! My failings made me closer to my God. And I started to see positive aspects, like pain make you conscious of your surrounding, make you humble towards other people trouble and you start to understand the other side of story and become aware of your own faults.

I thought that last battle was fought and done. I accepted my defeat, found a corner for myself to lick my wounds and when they healed, leaving just the scars, I thank god that its over. So I kept waiting for the signs to dimish, nightmare to quit coming, bad days to become far and away.

Last night, a brightly lit truck screech beside my car window. That screeched sounded like ‘who the hell are you to decide what’s over and what is not. Guess what honey, its not!’ it was long lonng screech. That night, as I laid down in my bed, shadows on my ceiling silently stared back at me, I dared them to laugh but they kept their silence.

I accepted all the terms, rules and consequences. Lets accept this truth as well; ‘Yes, its not over’

I guess last time I didn’t dig deep enough so I better start digging again…

Worth Sharing

I was cranky, worst mood possible and was rude to everyone around me, especially my friends, enough to make few friends really p****d off on me…today it was in my mind to apologize to those I was rude to, with that plan in my mind I opened my inbox only to find a song sent by a really good friend who shouldn’t be even talking to me let alone cherish the friendship… Well here is the song, its worth sharing…

I Do Cherish You

Tagged

Been tagged by pr3ra. I would like to tag Maryam, Nikki, Rabia, Rakesh and aashely.

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
Race

2. What book are you reading?
Just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and now I’m going to start The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

3. Favorite board game?
Ludo. Though its another thing that I usually loose.

4. Favorite magazine?
Readers Digest.

5. Favorite smells?
Home made cake smell

6. Favorite sounds?
Tickling bells

7. Worst feeling in the world?
Breaking commitments or promises

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
I hope I can sleep for 10 minutes more

9. Favorite fast food place?
Pizza hut

10. Future child’s name?
Umm..errr..I like the name Aliza ..as well as Shahiyar…

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?
would go to world tour.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
my pillows are good enough for me

13. Storms - cool or scary?
Fascinating

14. Favorite drink?
Pina colada

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?
do abstract art work..but usually in my free time I’m content in doing nothing

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Yup, I love veggies (except few)

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Mahogany red

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?
Karachi, Hyderabad, Lahore.

19. Favorite sports to watch?
Ice skating

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
Pr3rna is a very level headed, cool and confident lady who try to see positive aspects in every person she meet or interact with. I’m lucky to know her.

21. What’s under your bed?
Last time I checked, there bundle of old books, one forlorn dirty looking slipper who disappeared mysteriously long time ago and color paper from my artsy crafter days

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Nope!

23. Morning person, or night owl?
Definately a morning person, hate night time and rather sleep than doing anything else.

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?
errr?

25. Favorite place to relax?
my rooftop, especially in early morning or evenings.

26. Favorite pie?
Apple

27. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Chocolate, vanilla and mango

28. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?
ummm….really no idea

Just One Word

I was reading a book last night, an absorbing travel book of self discovery (Eat Pray Love) in which author travelled to Italy, India and Indonesia to discover pleasure, spirituality and balance of both. Before I went to sleep I was reading about how author tried to describe herself in just one word. Or more like, one word that can define her. After two paragraphs she finally decided on DEVOTION.

I was too drowsy to continue so I put down the book, switched off the table lamp and fluffed my pillows in comfortable position. My mind than asked me that what one word can define me, there has to be one word in the whole of English vocabulary that would fit me to perfection. I wish it could be SMART but I know its not my word, neither CONFUSED because I usually do figure things out even if it takes time. LAZY maybe but I really don’t think thats my true definition. It was taking too much effort to even think as sleep slowly seeps into my system so I abandoned my efforts to think of a word that truly describe me and since I was not pursuing the word anymore so it automatically came to me. A word that really truly describe me is STRUGGLE

Its my word because thats what I do everyday. Struggling to keep my demons away, struggling to be a better person. Struggling to be nicer and struggling to identify myself, my purpose and my aim. Yup, my word is STRUGGLE.

So, whats your word?

Mr. Right

The other day, I was talking to Rabia and she told me that recently she got a message as a ‘thought of the day’ and it goes something like this:

“Its so hard to wait for Mr. Right when there are so many cute Mr. Wrongs around you”